The Other Woman and the Innocent Spouse

The Other Woman and the Innocent Spouse

Having been on both sides of the fence in this situation, I hope that I can bring some truth and revelation in order that healing can begin in both others and myself. Please understand that I did not desire or set out intending to become the other woman, because before I was the other woman; I was the innocent spouse. I found myself being a participant in the very thing I vowed to myself that I would never do to another after experiencing the pain myself years earlier. Often when we find that we have made mistakes we become ashamed and try to justify our actions allowing pride to step in. And then we become bound with guilt and fear because we would not ever want anyone to know what we have done, so we lie thinking that we are protecting ourselves and others. But the truth is that if we face what we have done and tell the truth we allow ourselves and others the choice to work through the actions without the deceptions and broken trust. I have often wondered, of those that have found themselves in this same situation if they could overcome the act if the cheating spouse would have been forthright and had not added brokentrust to the betrayal?

It is true that in my relationships whether as the other woman or the spouse, of all the mistakes that I made, infidelity was not one of them. There are other areas of the relationship or marriage I made major mistakes and usually found that they were made in times of desperation. The desperation and desire of being recognized as a person and not just an object of desire. Please understand that it is pleasing to be desired by the one you love, but we can kill that desire if we allow the perception that is all the relationship is to us. The important thing is what we do after we have made mistakes. Did we learn our lesson or are we going around the mountain again? Perhaps, some points of truth need to be brought to light to understand how this situation can and usually occurs.

When members of the opposite sex begin to share intimate details about their present relationship, they open the door for other areas of intimacy. What are these areas of intimate details? Problems that are not being resolved, arguments with our spouses, what we expect and what is actually taking place, personal problems, our desires, our hopes and dreams of how we desire our life to be and what it is not. And, it really does not matter which one initiated the conversations that led to seeking something outside their existing relationships, it is what you do next that will determine where the event will lead. When we find ourselves in these situations we can fall into the temptation or we can simply excuse ourselves from the conversation with a simple explanation that we are not the one that they should be talking to. When the door is opened it presents the opportunity to gain the pity of the other party, confusing emotions, judgmental attitudes and imaginations of one or both persons. The deception that will begin to form is they understand each other. The more the deception grows they begin to lose respect for themselves or their present relationship and they become self-seeking. It is at this point the infidelity will almost certainly happen.

What is so often most misunderstood or overlooked is that only one side of the story is being told. And the side of the story that is being told is only what they want you to see or know. Often, when truth is being presented we as human beings being ruled by our emotions and thoughts will not receive them, we are in denial. For example, if the cheating spouse is lying to their spouse – they are lying to you too. I know, they told you they loved you. But they are also telling their spouse they love them too. I have reflected on my own situation and ponder the thought of a relationship that started with a cheating spouse, can it ever really last a lifetime. I had thought that I had found it and that I could be the exception to the rule, but it only lasted ten years and ended very quickly once the end was set into motion through what was suppose to be a separation to breathe and find ourselves again. However, I do know that I do not ever intend to take this pathagain and with the help of my heavenly Father it will never happen again. Therefore the truth can only be brought forth by those who have also taken this step and made it through the rest of their lifetimes. But I do believe that it is rare. So if this is where you are do not by into the deception, the odds are against you. There is an old adage that is spoken and does not allow change, I am sure you know the one: "Once a cheater always a cheater". There is no doubt in my mind that there was true love in my situation, but it just wasn't strong enough to keep us together. Or, perhaps it simply wasn't the agape kind of unconditional love. But then I don't believe the old adage either because I believe if we ask our heavenly Father to change us and then follow His lead we can overcome. But if our desire is not to overcome we will find ourselves continuing to go around the mountain all the days off our life.

The next step to settling the issues within is to be honest with you. Take responsibility for your own actions; learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them by carrying them in the future of your existing relationship or into by God's grace and mercy your next relationship. The truth is that if a spouse is cheating, it might have started with something that the other did or did not do but the actual act was a choice that the cheating spouse made. It was a choice based solely on the self-seeking desires of a person who has let offense set into their thoughts and heart. Or they are self-seeking and really do not care how it will effect another at the moment when they commit th act. These desires cause them to act and then blame another because they are unwilling to admit their wrong. Out f their own guilt and shame they follow it with other wrongs such as lies and deceptions and with a total disrespect for themselves, their spouse and the one that is now the other person. You might have made them angry, but the word of God tells us to be angry but do not sin. You might have hurt them, but that is just an excuse to ease their own guilt and shift the blame to you for a choice that they made. You may have had a hand in making a period of time more difficult, but I am quite sure that they could be found to have done the same. You may have been found to have offended them with a reaction different than they expected, but again I am sure that you can say the same about them. You had the same opportunity and situation to make the same choice, but you did not. Therefore, it should be understood that the character flaw is in the one who chose to cheat and not the one with whom there was a difference of opinion or a situation that had not yet been resolved. And is now complicated by the actions of the one who completed the act of cheating, and wants to deny anything happened and make you feel that you are imagining things or over reacting.

Do we really know what we are willing to forgive? I don't think we can truthfully answer this question until we are placed in the situation. We are always quick to stand in judgment of things that we have not experienced, and after experiencing both sides of the fence here; I would not wish this on anyone. We should be very careful with our judgments because we could easily find ourselves in a place being judged with the same harshness in which we have judged another. There are many temptations in this world and at some point we will all slip and fall in various areas of our life or relationships, but I pray that this is an area that through the grace and mercy of God will become non-exsistent. I have often thought and ponder how I could forgive the act, but the act is forgiven as well as the lies and deceptions. But the trust that was once freely given must now be earned. And it can not be earned by continued repeats of the same action over and over again, and if the lies and deceptions continue then the trust will never return. It was the constant lies and deceptions that brought confusion and struggle within my own mind and heart, being told that I was just imagining things when trying to confront the issue head and presenting the opportunity for the truthto be brought to light. The act was a betrayal that could be forgiven. The lies and deception created broken trust and manipulation by the one who cheated. And, then the arrogance of their statements that they did not want to hurt you. So they lie which adds salt to the wound and shows their lack of confidence in you and your feelings for them without giving you the opportunity to evaluate the situation and make your own choice. They have just done something that God Himself will not do; they have taken your ability to choose away. After the betrayal and broken trust a whirlwind was set into motion concerning everything that he ever said to me. He would have sweet sounding words, words that I wanted with my whole heart to believe, but his actions spoke something clearly different than the words that came forthfrom his mouth.

In my situation he was a repeat customer in the establishment that I was employed. We had the opportunity to talk and gain an understanding of each other’s life. At first it starts out with general non-involvemental communication. Then it progresses to a much more serious level with discussions of personal likes and dislikes as in any other beginning of a friendship or personal relationship. Soon it reaches the point of comparing each other’s life, difficult situations and future hopes. In my case he was persistent in his attempts to get me to go out with him and after a year I agreed to have dinner, and made it perfectly clear that I was not making any other promises.

And then some of these events in the area of cheating occur when two people go in search of the same thing to fill some void within them that turns to shame and guilt once the act is complete. And, then is followed by lies and deceptions because they do not want to have to tell the truth and admit what they have done. There is a pattern of how one emotion is followed by another and then another until they have control over the person and manipulate them to more lies and deceptions at your expense whether you are the spouse or the other woman? Now instead of having to confess to one action they have a number of actions in which they cannot bring themselves to admit. So they lie to themselves and to all parties involved in the situation. We must learn to cast down our imaginations while acknowledging the all the signs that are being presented to us.

The key here is to listen to what they are saying and to watch their actions while they are saying them. If you have been with your spouse for a while you should have a bit of knowledge about how they act in different situations and you will know when they are not being themselves. But this does not mean that they have cheated, it simply means that there is something bothering them that they are struggling with about sharing with you. However, if in conversations of trying to discern what is bothering them they become defensive, rude, arrogant and begin turning the situation around to make you a nag (if you are not a nag) it is red flag time, put on the brakes and take a step back. It is important to understand that these things do not just apply to men who cheat, but to women as well. Their actions could be followed by a desire to reject your advances, but did they consider what you were doing when they made their advance. One does does want to be grabbed or pawed while taking a hot dish out of the oven. Or at times they may be more loving than usual. Sudden behavioral changes are a big sign that something more might be going on. If you have paid attention to your spouse, boyfriend or one that you may be interested in you will be able to discern these changes.

My dinner date was the first of many dates. But the one that got my heart was when he bought show tickets to a Las Vegas show for my daughter’s birthday. He had now taken our relationship a step further by including my daughter in an activity which she had until this point been sheltered from our relationship. She was excited about the show and really liked him. As the relationship progressed, I would eventually have to tell her the truth that he was married. It was not a conversation that I was looking forward to because it went against everything that I had taught her.

You see, her natural dad made me the first innocent spouse by getting his secretary pregnant, divorcing me and marrying her. It had been a struggle being a single mom for ten years and desiring her dad to be a part of her life, but he had not. She had watched me struggle and do my best when there was no one to help me. And, although I had been blessed and been shown mercy and grace by various individuals in my life in supplying various things for her special events, no one had really taken an interest in her. Her desire and mine was to have a father figure in her life.

The next time I saw him, I told him that I could not see him anymore, because I would have to tell my daughter the truth about him being married and I did not know that I could do that. Of the many things that I had shared with him, I shared all the things and times that God had provided for us and my love for God. So, I told him that if I never saw him in this life again I would like to see him in heaven and led him through the prayer to invite Jesus into his life. It was a while before I saw him again, but we talked on the phone. In one conversation with him it got a little snippy. When the call ended my daughter asked what was wrong and I choose this opportunity to tell her he was married. She was angry.

It was not long after that that he came to see me and said that he had thought about what I said and was going to try and make a go of it with his wife. I told him that I would not bother him, but would be moving and would let him know when I arrived at my destination. Upon arriving at my destination things were in a total uproar with members of my family. Situations were occurring that I had no way of overcoming without help. So when I informed him that I had arrived and what was going on, he helped me. I ask how things were going with his wife and he said that they were going and that some areas were better than others. And, then he made a couple of cold hearted comments about a sexual encounter that they had had that really hurt, it should have been a sign to his ability to be cruel. But, I knew that he would have to try to resolve their issues.

After about a couple of weeks, I obtain a job. I then contacted him and told him that I had found employment and that my daughter and I would be fine now. I wished him well with his attempts to resolve the issues with his wife and that we were over. Three days later, he called me and told me that he had left his wife and asked me to marry him. Those that have been the other and didn’t get this end are probably applauding, the spouses are probably cursing me at this point, and those who have no involvement in this situation are forming judgmental attitudes. But none of us are acting or thinking right here.

Judgmental attitudes only bring judgment upon us at some point with the same harshness in which we judge. You can use this example of my personal experience with judgment as I fell into what I said I would never do. The spouse is speaking curses in anger and has the right to do so, but what is being overlooked here is; as he was lying to you and what I did not want to face is that he was lying to me too. And to the other women, who think I gained some sort of victory, understand that the truth will be revealed and the catch may not be all it is cracked up to be.

We had many obstacles to overcome because as we had only had bits of time together here and there and now were together on a regular basis. You really never know anyone until you live with them. We married shortly after his divorce because even though I had made a serious judgment call in getting involved with a married man, I wanted to try and set the right example for my daughter and not just live with a man. For the first two weeks of our union my daughter refused to live with us and remained with my sister. Then she called and said she missed me and we made the trip to pick her up and bring her home. Her life was greatly improved by him and he made every attempt to make her feel welcomed and loved. On her sixteenth birthday which was in May, he told her that he would be more than honored to be her dad and asked her if he could adopt her. On his birthday in October, she told him that he could adopt her. At the advice of an attorney the adoption took place when my daughter turned eighteen.

Through a variety of situations in our life our sexual relationship had come to not having one. Things began to change and a lot of the change was because of me, a dream I had, several serious illness and complications of trying to help members of my family. But what was amazing to me was that we could get through all the really tuff ones. Like being audited by the IRS, having our home foreclosed and the many other situations that would have torn people apart before now, but we could not get past the sexual issue.

Just shortly after our tenth wedding anniversary we had agreed to do a temporary separation in order to regain focus, put a bit of romance back in our life and see if we could get back to where we first were. At first things seemed to be going well. But what I did not know was that he had blindsided me and had no intentions of reuniting, but would not tell me until he got angry and made a choice to do something that would drive a wedge between us. Suddenly he was avoiding me, not calling to set up our date nights, not answering text messages or phone calls. And, then when he would come around and I ask why, he expected me to act like everything was fine. But I knew that he was seeing someone, it was the only explanation for the sudden change. When I would ask him, he would deny it.

He would act like he wanted to work things out. We would spend time together and he would take me home and disappear. It wasn’t until we had spent the afternoon together meeting at our destination instead of going together, that he said he was going home. We lived in the same complex, and when I arrived home, his car was gone. Later that night, I had to go to the store and he still was home. The next morning I had an appointment and he still wasn’t home. I now knew that my suspicions had been confirmed, but he still denied it. It amazes me how people think they can get something over on you. I lived with this man for ten and half years and knew that there was only one thing that could keep him out all night when he was scheduled to work a twelve hour shift. Remember earlier, I told you that it is important to listen to what they are saying while watching their actions and the truth will be revealed.

But he still denied everything until I asked him about a text that he had sent our daughter in reply to a question that she asked him. He admitted that he had sent the text, and I asked if he had acted upon it. It was at this time he owned up to his actions. The text reply; “I am not in a relationship and do not want a relationship, if I want sex I’ll hire a prostitute.”

I don’t know much more that I can say to express the truth of cheating spouse. As I made the choice to go against the thing I vowed to myself never to do, I disrespected myself, my daughter and his wife. Although I am not proud of what I did, i did it by chioce, no one twisted my are and made me do it. I have since repented and asked forgiveness. I was faithful in my marriage. Cheaters are motivated by self-seeking, lack of self-control and disrespectful attitudes to themselves, their spouses, and the ones that are now a part of their lives. The character flaw lies within the cheating spouse and not because of what you did or did not do.